For those of us who just like plain, everyday coffee-flavored coffee, ordering at Starbucks can be an obnoxious ordeal. If all you want is a regular cup of joe, your best policy is to find a gas station or convenience store. But if for whatever reason Starbucks is your only option, follow these steps to decode the language of Starbucks, get your coffee and get out.
Instructions
1. First things first: Figure out what size you want. Starbucks' hot beverages are available in 8oz, 12oz, 16oz and 20oz sizes. To you, these might translate to small, medium, large and extra large. To the Starbucks crew, they are short, tall, grande and venti, respectively.
2. Even though you should be able to just say "coffee" and be done with it, this request will likely lead to a series of annoying questions. Get used to the idea that there will always be at least two kinds of coffee-flavored coffee at Starbucks. The two kinds that they will always have are dark roast and mild roast. Dark roast tastes stronger than mild roast, but mild roast has a slight edge in the caffeine department. Pick your poison now.
3. Decide whether you want it black or with cream. Of course, if you want cream, you have to add it yourself, but this step is here for a reason. At Starbucks, they like to use the term "room" as in "room in the cup for you to add cream."
4. Ok, you're ready. You can go up to the counter now.
5. Word your coffee order in the same order you made your coffee decisions: size, then type, then blackness or creaminess. But be sure to use the lingo. For instance, if I wanted a large, hyper-caffeinated coffee with cream and sugar, I would ask for a "grande mild with room." If I wanted a small, black coffee that tastes like the dregs that settled at the bottom of the pot, I would ask for a "short dark... black." If the order taker asks you any questions in Starbucks lingo, you may have to politely admit that you don't have a clue what he's talking about.
6. After your order is taken, listen carefully to what the order taker screams at the coffee makers. Remember this phrase, whatever it is. This is probably what the coffee makers will scream at you when your coffee is ready.
7. Brace yourself, because your total is forthcoming. What's important at this point is that you get your coffee. Give them whatever they ask for. And as long as you're already overpaying, consider dropping your change in the tip jar. After all, these guys have to spend all day serving people to whom this convoluted ordering system makes perfect sense.
8. Step aside, because you're not getting your coffee yet. Look for the person who was in line ahead of you. He's probably huddled over at the coffee drop-off spot. Wait over there, and listen for the magic words that your order taker shouted a minute ago. When you hear them, go for the coffee cup that accompanied the call. Grab it, make for the door, and remember what you learned should you ever need to rely on this experience in the future.
Tags: your coffee, mild roast, order taker, coffee makers, coffee that, coffee-flavored coffee